Narcissists display all sorts of weird behaviors. The things they do show us who they are deep within. They are extremely insecure about what they stand for. They are weak, immature, shame-driven, and they are control freaks. All of this gets manifested when they sleep, which is why in today’s article, we are going to focus on how a narcissist behaves when they sleep and how that impacts you.
Before we get started, just because you find somebody sleeping the way I am about to explain does not automatically make them a narcissist. People struggle a lot with sleep disturbances, especially now, so you can show these behaviors without being a narcissist. These disruptive sleeping behaviors are just collectively a big aspect of narcissistic personality disorder. This is going to help you validate your experiences and reinforce the understanding that, yes, you are dealing with a toxic individual. Do not use this as a diagnostic criterion in isolation because it can be harmful.
#1: Narcissists are driven by control.
The first thing that reminds me of countless fights I used to witness as a child happened between my parents. And guess what those fights used to be all about? The quilt—how much one gets and how the other doesn’t have it. They would fight like children all night, and it wouldn’t be a silly fight filled with joy or laughter. It would be a crazy fight that would erupt and explode within seconds. Then there would be verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse. They would start cursing each other, and then all night, they would sleep showing each other their backs.
What I just explained to you may sound silly to you, or you may not be able to resonate with it, but try to understand me. It’s not about the quilt thing; it’s about anything at all. They have a pattern of triggering a fight or creating chaos the moment you are about to fall asleep because they themselves either do not sleep at all (like vampires, they stay up all night—that feeds them), or they sleep quite easily after deregulating you emotionally because they need to take that poison out of their body and put it into something else. You become the victim right in that moment. It relaxes them, but it completely steals your calmness, and you stay awake all night while they stay asleep. They sleep like a baby. That’s craziness.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
They may bring up something from the past and then talk about it, wanting to resolve it with you. To share another personal experience with you, I would tell you that my father was and is, of course, obsessed with money. So, a pattern he had was he would talk about money or money-related affairs with my clinically narcissistic mother, and they would fight right an hour before going to sleep. There would be something that would trigger him—anything—and her as well because she used to behave in a different way. She was more passive-aggressive, more of a silent-treatment-giving person. She used to stonewall and do stuff like that, but he was very aggressive, very overt in presentation. So this chaos created chaos in our lives, which is why to this day, I’m trying to help myself sleep properly, to heal my sleep, and I definitely have done a lot of work and it has changed a lot, but I’m just giving you an example.
#2: They protect their phone.
The second sleep-related behavior that I can talk about is they protect their phone. If it’s a modern narcissist who uses their cell phone as an extension of themselves to cheat on you, they would either sleep over it or they would tuck it under the pillow and guard it, secure it like anything because in that phone lie all the secrets that could expose them. They’re always awake; a part of them is always trying to keep an eye out so that you do not accidentally get your hands on it and you do not get to know what they’re up to. They would never, ever allow you to sleep on the side their phone is on, or they would never put their phone on your side. Why? Because, as I explained to you, they are very predatory in that aspect.
It becomes extremely important for them to exert their dominance when sleeping with you. They need most of the area in your bed. It may be a king-size, a huge one with ample space for both of you, but no, you will be pushed to sleep on the edge, and that will train you to become rigid because you can’t move. The minute you move, they start a fight; they start complaining and crying, which is what I tried to explain to you in the quilt example that I gave you about my parents fighting over it. That is what it was all about. “I don’t have enough area; you have more than me,” and this and that. “I couldn’t sleep last night.” But slowly and steadily, you are forced to restrict your movement and become like a tree when you should be resting, and they could lie to your face and say, “No, you have ample space; you have enough space; I’m not restricting you in any way; you’re making it up.”
#3: They create a lot of disturbance when it’s time for you to sleep.
The moment you enter your room and you start resting on your bed, and you start slowly drifting away into a deep state of sleep, all of a sudden you’re woken up by a loud noise because they are making coffee, they are cooking something, they want to eat something, or they’re talking to somebody and they’re laughing—you can hear it—or they’re shouting at somebody, or they’re trying to abuse your pet. A number of situations are possible, but the intention is only one, and that is to keep you awake. They can’t stand your peace, as I described earlier, and they get really anxious when they can’t get your attention. They need to be distracted 24/7, and when you go away, it triggers that existential crisis they always suppress. So they become really jealous, they become really angry, and try anything possible to steal your sleep away or to keep you awake so that they know you are getting impacted because of them.
#4: They abandon you in bed.
The last and the most painful one: they abandon you in bed. They do not show any affection; they do not hug you. You never get to sleep on their arm. Occasionally, here and there, they breadcrumb you, but it’s still robotic in nature. You never get to feel you’re sleeping with somebody who you can call your partner. You always crave it. Maybe your love language is physical affection; they withhold it on purpose, and they sleep on the edge. It’s the opposite of what we talked about earlier. They may sleep really far from you. Why? Because they’re talking to people; they’re secretly cheating on you, and if you try to extend your arm or just get closer, you’re pushed away. “Why are you so clingy? I have office tomorrow; I have work tomorrow. Why don’t you let me sleep?” Come on. Your bed feels very cold. There is no compassion; there is no connection whatsoever. It’s like you’re sleeping on a rock. It’s that uncomfortable.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
However, they only come close to you when they intend to use you like a toy. It’s pure objectification. You need to understand that there’s nothing like sexual intimacy in a narcissistic relationship. They only come close to you when they have to take part in that robotic act, and when they are done, they discard you like that. There’s nothing after that. They don’t kiss you; they do not want to be close to you at all. They don’t even let you touch them because that makes them feel really vulnerable. It’s only quick, dry, robotic. There’s no love in it. I can’t express it in words, but you know what I’m talking about.
That’s how they behave when sleeping. And then in bed, they always turn their back towards you. They may always have a habit of turning their back towards you, and you may always feel like you don’t exist. That is a form of ghosting and stonewalling. Have you experienced it? But there is this different aspect to it as well: you may do it; you may never want to face them. But your intention is to protect yourself. You feel so unsafe, so just not noticing them or telling yourself they don’t exist by giving them your back is a way of protecting yourself. If you do that, that does not make you a narcissist.
Read More: 5 Weird Eating Habits of a Narcissist.
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