Today I’m talking about 10 mistakes you’re going to want to avoid when dealing with a narcissist. Now, I will say that most people have some narcissistic traits and tendencies, but individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are self-absorbed, self-obsessed, and they need excessive attention, admiration, and validation. They lack empathy, and the way they interface with reality is twisted.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it becomes hard to think clearly because their arguments and behavior are confusing and twisted. When you finally realize they’re a narcissist, you might feel foolish and betrayed. You feel lost and need to find yourself again. Remember, even very smart people can be tricked by narcissists, especially if they’ve never dealt with this kind of behavior before. Narcissists are very good at finding your weak spots and playing with your feelings, so you might not notice what’s happening until it’s too late.
Here are 10 common mistakes you will want to avoid.
Number 1: Falling for love bombing tactics.
As I’m sure you know by now, a narcissist comes on very strong in the beginning, giving you all of their attention, gifts, compliments, and sex. They make you feel like you’re on top of the world, quickly getting you addicted to them. They may genuinely be excited about you too in the beginning as they can see you in an unrealistic light, but the fantasy always comes crashing down. Soon, their compliments turn to complaints, criticism, contempt, and control. Where they used to show great interest in you, soon they will be selfish and emotionally distant. So it’s a big mistake to get attached to anyone too quickly, especially if they are idealizing or love bombing you before you even really know each other.
Number 2: Ignoring the red flags, thinking that you can handle it.
So many people tell me after the damage is done that they saw the warning signs fairly early on in the relationship but they didn’t act on them. Please do not underestimate the horrible abuse and damage that can be done by a narcissist, especially if they also have antisocial or psychopathic traits.
Number 3: Thinking you’re the exception to the rule.
Sure, a narcissist will tell you that you’re their soulmate, you’re the one and only, the one that’s so different from everyone else. But just know that you are not special, and you will be subjected to their manipulations and abuse just like everyone before you and anyone that comes after you. Of course, they will tell you that they cheated on their ex because they didn’t love them the way they love you. But when they tell you about their past train wreck relationships, just know that you’re next. They’re basically letting you know your fate, giving you a glimpse into your actual future, which you can trust will be drastically different from the fantasy future that they are promising you.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Number 4: Revealing your vulnerabilities.
Don’t expect any empathy from a narcissist. In fact, if you share any of your weaknesses or triggers, you can be sure that they will use them against you to manipulate and control you. So when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you need to maintain strong emotional boundaries.
Number 5: Trusting a narcissist’s words.
A narcissist always mixes fact with fiction, and it’s incredibly confusing. It gets very difficult to separate the truth from the lies, especially since you so desperately want to believe the lies rather than face the grim reality of your relationship. When it comes to a narcissist, it’s important to pay attention to their behavior and don’t place your bets on their promises but rather place your bets on their actions. These patterns will repeat, so if they cheat on you and say that they won’t do it again, just know that they will. When they show you who they are through their actions, believe them.
Number 6: Thinking that they perceive and interpret the world in a normal way.
They do not think, feel, or behave in the same ways as you do, and they are not motivated by the same things. So you need to stop trying to use your own logic to understand why they do what they do. Instead, view their actions and intentions through the lens of narcissism. This will allow you to see through the facade and clearly see the insecure, shameful, and rageful person under the surface. This will help you anticipate their behavior and protect yourself from further manipulation and harm.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Number 7: Believing that the person you fell in love with is coming back and that all you need to do is figure out how to solve this problem.
But the truth is, they are not the loving, ideal partner that they painted themselves out to be. The fantasy future you thought you were going to have with them was just an illusion. Thinking you can get it all back if you just work a little harder and figure out how to get it right will just keep you stuck in a toxic loop forever while your whole life passes you by.
Number 8: Doubting and second-guessing yourself.
A narcissist will remove your ability to use your own logic and rational mind, literally changing the way you interface with reality. So once you are onto them, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, start giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.
Number 9: Bringing a narcissist into your circle of support.
As soon as you realize that person is a narcissist, you need to get them out of your support network or find a new circle. Sometimes your friends can see right through the narcissist and have been trying to talk some sense into you all along. But other times, your friends may be sucked right in along with you. These people are not necessarily flying monkeys; they can be good people with good intentions who are also being manipulated by the narcissist. But it doesn’t matter because once the narcissist has infiltrated your network, they will try to use the people that are closest to you to manipulate you.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
Number 10: Thinking that the narcissist is going to change.
Yes, they may make grand promises to change. These promises may seem genuine and sincere, but it’s often just a manipulative tactic. Their promises quickly turn to excuses. Next thing you know, they’re the victim and it’s your fault, and they’re weaseling their way out of taking any responsibility for the behavior that they promised to change. Now, some narcissists won’t ever acknowledge or admit that they need to change. But even those who do admit it are extremely unlikely to actually put in a consistent and genuine effort into learning to better understand their disorder or manage their symptoms and behaviors more effectively. So it’s a big mistake to think that they are going to change. Instead, you are the one who is going to change for the worse as you get sucked deeper and deeper into their big black vortex of pain and suffering. So don’t think you can save a narcissist. Instead, focus on saving yourself.
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